1.THE SENIOR IN THE CORVETTE
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, its got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
A circus performer was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me then," the officer demanded.
So the man got out the machetes and started juggling them – first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Mustang east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"
The sarge replied, "Forget it, he's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."
A traffic officer stops a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asks the driver her name. She says, "I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan. I'm visiting my daughter in Columbia."
As she finishes speaking the cop pauses for a moment and then puts his ticket book and pen away. "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, and was pulled over on the way home by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one. Just as the trooper was about to slap on the cuffs, an accident in the opposite lane took his attention, and he ran in that direction to help.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, quickly drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door. Standing in his doorway were two state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" they asked.
He admitted that he was.
"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?"
Again, the man admitted that was he.
"And what did you do then," the troopers asked.
The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the troopers inquired.
The man answered that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the troopers.
The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state trooper's car.
A man was stopped by the police around 2 AM. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse, smoking, and staying out late and the effects they all have on the human body."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
A traffic cop pulled over a speeding motorist and asked, "Do you have any ID?"
The motorist replied, "About what?"
A man buys this real fast sports car and he's is flying down the road at about 80 mph. After a couple miles he flies by a cop at a speed trap. The cop immediately pulls out and turns on his siren. The man pulls over and waits for the officer to give him a ticket.
The officer comes up to his car and says, "I have been waiting for you all day."
The man says, "Well, I got here as fast as I could."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."
The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, I'm still giving you a ticket."
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says OK, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands:"I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies: "I did...today I'm taking them to the beach!"
We are here to support our First Responders & Military! We have learned first hand nothing heals like laughter. The thing we don't want to do the most is usually what we need. If you're facing a difficult time through great loss, financial stresses or whatever, try watching and reading funny stuff. It truly makes a difference.
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